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Letter from Brussels: No Luck on Dating Apps or Dating Sites? Become Bisexual!

by De Ket in Columns & Opinions , 29 November 2017

Dit artikel is ook in het Nederlands beschikbaar

Dear Neighbors to the North, Despite a busy work schedule, I always try to organize a little get-together with some friends during the week in Brussels. A moment to talk, to hear the latest gossip, to exchange ideas on politics, or learn something new.

Some weeks ago, a friend started a typical and above all endless discussion about gay dating apps. About how frustrating it is when almost no one seems to show up, and especially how the list of the sincerest apologies seems to be getting longer and longer. He’d had the same discussion with someone else who also struggled with the same problem, but was taking a completely different approach. He had changed his orientation to bisexual instead of gay on gay apps and gay chat sites. He had created various different profiles on straight dating apps, where there was the possibility of being “bisexual.” He claimed to have more success now, and suggested that my friend should do the same, although it was unclear to me what that meant exactly. More messages? More dates?

My friend was not convinced, changing your orientation was not something he thought was correct. And rightly so. It was and still is difficult to out yourself as “gay,” and to be “bisexual” again is one bridge too far. Especially when you do not care for the female genitals.

My friend is active on quite a few gay dating apps and gay sites, and although he did not intend to change his orientation, he decided to make a selection on the basis of a “bisexual” orientation. He was shocked. A lot of men he knows from the gay and party scene suddenly were “bi,” even though he was convinced that it had previously said “gay.” Other friends that he knew better, had also turned “bisexual.” It was a miracle. Praise the Lord!

He had not talked to those friends yet, but he was planning to do so. I also tried to find familiar faces by repeating his steps, and yes. Not in my immediate circle of friends, but indeed, gay men I’ve met regularly on the scene had suddenly become “bi.” However, I do not intend to talk to them about it. I don’t know them that well, but also because I know all too well that they are everything but bisexual. In one case I remember that it turned out that he was primarily misogynous and then “gay.” Certainly not “bi.”

Those managing these gay apps and gay websites could perhaps provide statistics on this trend. I will not bother to ask for them. The whole trend doesn’t come as a surprise to me. Some people will do anything to increase their chances of a date or message on a gay app or gay website.

They do not care that they are making a fool of themselves and that no one will notice. And yes, perhaps there really is someone who went to a swinger party and engaged in cunnilingus for the very first time and liked it. But to just change your orientation to “bisexual”? I’m afraid this is the exception to the rule. Or how being true to yourself can be and always will be a tricky business for a sub group of homosexuals, while on the other hand they are calling on other people to be true to themselves.

PS: My orientation is still indicated as “gay.” I did not change a thing.

Yours sincerely,

De Ket



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